So as I hop around on my newly fixed MacBook Air, I enjoy reading old documents, even if they’re sometimes painful to remember that point in time. It’s a Catch 22 type of situation in that I have the documents (yay!) but they are written in difficult times (ugh). So I wonder how to somehow moderate this imbalance, and writing these lines, at this time, somehow helps to assuage past pains.
I have really solid support structures, though they were wildly rocked at their base this summer. When I think of this summer, most of it, at least; all that comes to mind is a string of expletives that hurl from my mouth in anger, and disbelief. I have no good words to describe my state of mind. And foul words seem to make me handle the memory of that time with more grit. Like I’m spitting back in the face of that relentless confusion.
I hadn’t had a breakdown that bad since 2003, and in 2003, I went into the hospital for it. This time: no hospital. Looking back, it was not a bad decision. It made sense at the time. But, summer of ’16: #@$%^
Now, the fires of spontaneity, the fever-like urge to compete, complete, carry on; all of this fuels my actions.
*Picture credit to: free google images