So as I hop around on my newly fixed MacBook Air, I enjoy reading old documents, even if they’re sometimes painful to remember that point in time. It’s a Catch 22 type of situation in that I have the documents (yay!) but they are written in difficult times (ugh). So I wonder how to somehow moderate this imbalance, and writing these lines, at this time, somehow helps to assuage past pains.
I have really solid support structures, though they were wildly rocked at their base this summer. When I think of this summer, most of it, at least; all that comes to mind is a string of expletives that hurl from my mouth in anger, and disbelief. I have no good words to describe my state of mind. And foul words seem to make me handle the memory of that time with more grit. Like I’m spitting back in the face of that relentless confusion.
I hadn’t had a breakdown that bad since 2003, and in 2003, I went into the hospital for it. This time: no hospital. Looking back, it was not a bad decision. It made sense at the time. But, summer of ’16: #@$%^
Now, the fires of spontaneity, the fever-like urge to compete, complete, carry on; all of this fuels my actions.
*Picture credit to: free google images
I’ve been having some difficult times. My husband texted this message to me yesterday. I have so much support, I will not fail.
I love and adore you!
I cherish and desire you!
I want and need you.
I can’t live without you!
Engrave those words on your heart and in your mind!
Then I’ll seal both with a kiss!
My mom is retired. Therefore she has time to help me out at the elementary library where I work. She helps on my heavy day when I need another person to keep things in check. For this I owe her, forever.
My mom exercises. She has days she calls “trips”, for triplicate workouts. So she’ll run in the morning, play tennis after that, and do yoga later on. Sometimes she’ll make it “quads”, and lift weights after yoga. For this I admire her, and, yes, also envy her her ambition.
My mom reads. I think I read because of her, in part. It is great to have a deep conversation about a book we both just read, or share that, for instance, I couldn’t finish a certain book because it was too intense. Funny, she usually will still finish them. She’s more brave than I when it comes to tough fiction.
That I love my mom, is a given. That she is my best friend, is not. But she is. My best friend.
The school year is now underway. Nature in all its savagery has affected quite a bit of our beginning of the year. We have had early outs, due to extreme heat; and today, we didn’t even have school because students and teachers both were getting sick, and it was indeed another blisteringly hot day.
Nature has not been the only haphazard force. I have found myself spending upwards of $500 on school this year. I worry that I won’t stop. I keep seeing books in Spanish that would be perfect for our bilingual school. As a librarian, books are candy. And to me, money is fluid like water.
We have a new principal this year, and with that, I get to remake myself into a better coworker. Whatever may have been the case in the past, is no longer. I have a blank slate upon which I can create a solid worker for the school. Someone who champions the students, while assisting the staff.
Sound like a bit much? Yes, I am expending much energy. But I am discovering, with the use of force, and energy, my “mental muscles” strengthen. And I am continually more able to do more.
I hope that I can continue this use of surging energy I possess. I know the year will have challenges that are beyond me. Those challenges can be met with the strength of my supporters— my fiancé, our Labradoodle, and my family. With Nature’s probable cessation of intense heat, by contrast, my endeavors to succeed will soldier on.